Aunt B’s gardening exploits crack me up:

Am I overwatering?  When I got home from work today, both the bell
pepper plant and the jalapeno were drooping and kind of wilty
looking.  And the jalapeno had black spots where the branches, you
know, branch out from the stems.

So, I didn’t water them and they appear now–I just went out and
checked because I am a giant nerd–to be perking up, so maybe I did
over-water them.

But I feel like I have such emo peppers.  Soon they’re going to be
listening to bands with boys who wear too much eyeliner and moping
around their bedrooms talking back to me under their breaths.  What can
I do to appease them?

Don’t let them listen to that crappy music, that’s how you can appease them, B. Get them some good smooth jazz or something.